Relativism in Sports

All sports operate on the principle of absolute truth. The guy scores, or he doesn’t score. One team wins, while the other suffers the agony of defeat. What determines this? Players bound to the tired old absolute time-space paradigm. As a subscriber to the relativistic worldview, I find this deeply offensive.

No, not really. Be quiet and keep reading.

So, relativism in sports. Did Joe really just make a slam dunk? I think he missed. My friend Mark-Anthony thinks it went in. What really happened? You decide! Place voting booths in the stands and let the elections begin! Hands on your buzzers, people.

It would be complete chaos. I love it. Televise matches and have digitally altered instant replays! Entropy would take it’s natural course, and games would degenerate into hockey-style fights on the field and in the stands. It’s part sport, part philosophical statement, and part WWF cage match!

For the final touch, we need only to pick a game. It helps if you get something fast-paced the audience thinks they know how to play, but in reality have no idea what the rules are or where to find them. I’m thinking Frisbee-golf. With a name like that, there have to be those sweet carts involved, right?

Seriously, ABC sports. Get your head in the game and get some good old relativistic Frisbee-golf tournaments going. I guarantee viewership will both triple and not triple at the same time.


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