This is a monologue I did at a Troop meeting on the 5th of June 2006. I was doing a (very bad) Napoleon Dynamite impersonation at the time. It didn't go over half bad, though I'm sure my impression was atrocious.
At one time, I had it all. Then, I lost it in a desperate bid for power.
I mean, there is was on eBay: “Power! Only five thousand dollars”. Then the guy didn’t even ship. So, I finally complained. And sent a couple hundred dollars to seal the deal.
Then he sent me a box of junk. I mean, there was like, a battery and a book on being president by Bill Clinton and some other stuff. But there, at the bottom of the box, there it was: The One Ring of Power. It called to me.
So, I tired to put it on, so I could become an evil overlord and invisible and junk, but it didn’t work. The thing was plastic. I think it came from McDonalds or something. Yeah. Only five million one rings now.
So, um, I wanted to see if it had any hidden words on it, but I didn’t have a fire. So I put it in the microwave. And it melted into a little blob that smelled funny. All of it except a little sticker that said “Made in Taiwan”. Yeah.
But, the blob wouldn’t solidify. I took it as a sign of great energy keeping the molecules in a liquid state. So I put it into a little baggie, and carried it around with me. I thought I might, you know, absorb some of it’s power though osmosis.
Anyway, I went on this cooking camping trip with my Troop. They were making this “stew” for dinner. It was just nasty. And I, um, though that if I dumped the ring blob into the soup, the toxins might release the latent power contained within the ring or something. I was going to eat it. No, I was, but that stuff was nasty.
But what do you know? The ring’s power was reforged, and everyone who ate that stew became invisible. I mean, I haven’t seen any of them since.