I, For One, Welcome Our New Pidgin Overlords

Gaim development is really taking off. It’s flying these days. Seriously, what is up with AOL?

The Joys of Dorm Life

Where else but a dorm would someone call at 2am, do a very bad impersonation of a floor mate (Jordan L; aka, “English Major”) who left after last semester, and ask for CS homework help to round it off?

The great thing about it was, I was awake and coding at the time, and I enjoy a good prank, so I grabbed the bait. Sadly, it was nothing more then an ordinary prank call. No notes left down at MSC, and no spotlights or water balloons rained down upon me as I left the dorm. Seriously folks, if you’re going to prank, make it good. At least make the call come right before the sprinkler system actives.

Ok, I’m done now.

Note: On the off-chance anyone does actually want to get ahold of me at 2AM for HW help, try my AIM listed on Facebook. If I’m awake and/or feeling like free tech support, I’ll probably be on there.

I don’t like dissections

(Does it show?)

A desperate bid for power

This is a monologue I did at a Troop meeting on the 5th of June 2006. I was doing a (very bad) Napoleon Dynamite impersonation at the time. It didn't go over half bad, though I'm sure my impression was atrocious.

At one time, I had it all. Then, I lost it in a desperate bid for power.

I mean, there is was on eBay: “Power! Only five thousand dollars”. Then the guy didn’t even ship. So, I finally complained. And sent a couple hundred dollars to seal the deal.

Then he sent me a box of junk. I mean, there was like, a battery and a book on being president by Bill Clinton and some other stuff. But there, at the bottom of the box, there it was: The One Ring of Power. It called to me.

So, I tired to put it on, so I could become an evil overlord and invisible and junk, but it didn’t work. The thing was plastic. I think it came from McDonalds or something. Yeah. Only five million one rings now.

So, um, I wanted to see if it had any hidden words on it, but I didn’t have a fire. So I put it in the microwave. And it melted into a little blob that smelled funny. All of it except a little sticker that said “Made in Taiwan”. Yeah.

But, the blob wouldn’t solidify. I took it as a sign of great energy keeping the molecules in a liquid state. So I put it into a little baggie, and carried it around with me. I thought I might, you know, absorb some of it’s power though osmosis.

Anyway, I went on this cooking camping trip with my Troop. They were making this “stew” for dinner. It was just nasty. And I, um, though that if I dumped the ring blob into the soup, the toxins might release the latent power contained within the ring or something. I was going to eat it. No, I was, but that stuff was nasty.

But what do you know? The ring’s power was reforged, and everyone who ate that stew became invisible. I mean, I haven’t seen any of them since.

Introducing the Nii

What with E3 and all the buzz about Nintendo, I got bored and decided to parody it.

(Suggestions for improvement, etc welcome. This is just the first draft.)

I spoke and corporate America listened!

A year and a half ago, I wrote of my dream: A robotic lawn mower that would save the summers of teens all over the globe. It took me months and minutes of hard thinking, tears, and bloodshed. And now, some bright person at some company listened to me! O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay! (I chortled in my joy)

However, with their excitement in designing, manufacturing and marketing this thing, they made one slightly minor mistake: They forgot to ship me one. I clearly stated in my previous entry:

So, yeah.
Oh, and if any companies actually make this, I want one for free because I came up with it.

I think the burden of proof, innocence and justice now rests in their court.

I humbly request the minds behind the LawnBott to think this over slowly. Ship one to me, or I shall to follow my trail of justice. All vermin will be ignited!

Thank you.

An excerpt from the bill of materials…

Zip ties - 66

Wow. Seriously. Keep in mind, this robot is only about the size of a breadbox. And no, we have not replaced all the screws with zip ties - yet.

Do you like donating money to worthy causes? Does your company make little black zip-ties? Contact us today for information on becoming an official FVC-40 sponsor!

Rejected skit #1: Wrestling

A word of explanation about this one.
At Camp Woodruff 2005, Sam and myself came up with four skits. Sadly, three of them but one were vetoed by the leaders. Quality control and all that.
Every morning at assembly, the campers were allowed to challenge either the staff or another troop to a game. The funny thing is, as the week went by, many of the sports started getting banned. It was ridiculous, even soccer was forbidden. (Some kid got run over.)
To protest and parody this turn of events, we created a small poster. At assembly on the last day of camp, I would read it in a loud, deep wrestling announcer voice.

Troop X challenges the staff to: DEATH ON TOP OF THE ADMIN BUILDING!
The wrestling event to end all other camp activities!

Watch in horror as Troop X hero “The Scoutmaster” takes on all challengers - and throws them to their doom!
Tickets purchases are available online and at the lower water buffalo campsite.
Tonight! Eight thirty! On top of the administration building! Be there!

Needless to say, when I ran it past the leaders, they were less then thrilled. Hope you enjoy it, but please don’t preform it!

My Suitcase

About the same time I obtained my UNIX book, I also received a suitcase. But not just any suitcase. The inside is padded, it has two locks, and the outside is covered in dull aluminum. If this case was in a movie, a gangster would be carrying it. And he’d like, put it on a table and open it, and it’d be full of guns or money. And then the cops would burst in, and there would be a big gun fight. It would be a long, hard battle, but the police would finally win, arrest the crime lord, and confiscate the case. Not for the money inside, of course, but because the police chief had always wanted a suitcase this cool.
Seriously, if I sent it though airport security, it would probably set off three different alarms. I’d be asked to open the case and then detained as burly officials speculated about the chances of my laptop being wired with a bomb.

I think I’ll line it with lead.

The way of the ninja

[professor walks onto stage and begins to speak]
Hello. You are all doubtless here today to learn about ninjas. Unfortunately, the way of the ninja is fraught with hardness-es. These include:

• Exercise
• Assassinating people
• Sneaking around
• Getting killed multiple times

If any of this appeals to you, you are in the right place. Now, the first most important point: Socks. Some people claim that ninjas don’t care about socks. Those people would be wrong.
The next most important thing to remember is how to become one with the shadows. Fortunately, this is highly overrated. People are very unobservant.

However, all this lecture would be pointless and boring if there was to be no demonstration. Observe as this trained trained ninja infultrates a campsite of hapless Boy Scouts.

[Cut to three guys sitting around a campfire]
[The ninja is slipping up behind #1.]
1: So then, the frumious Bandersnatch grabbed Harold and-
2: What’s that?! [pointing]
[The ninja grabs #1]
[A brief struggle ensues]
professor: Observe how the skilled ninja goes directly for the sock.
ninja: Behold! I have prevailed over my formally sock wearing foe!
professor: This will conclude our demonstration. Thank you.